Blogging the Golden Globes

I missed the first hour of the Globes because there was an all-new episode of Rock of Love on. I’m not sorry, it was definitely the right decision. There weren’t enough shots of Bret strumming his guitar by himself or enough fights by the coke-addled hookers in retirement, but Bret kept Brittaney the psycho around for one more week, so bravo.

Also, I live in Los Angeles, where all the award shows are filmed, but somehow come on television on a tape delay, so all the winners had already been announced and I could see all the results on imdb. I really wish somehow we could figure that whole mess out, it seems stupid to be sitting here in the entertainment capital of the world watching an award show that already happened three hours ago. All the Golden Globe parties are happening as we speak and only those of us not cool enough to get invited to one of them are sitting around watching the awards. But I digress…

9:18 – Wow, they really cleaned Megan Fox up. If I didn’t know any better, I’d swear she wasn’t that skank from “Transformers” with the random tattoos on her midsection.

9:30 – 30 Rock wins another Best Comedy Series award. I swear, 30 Rock wins so much the Yankees are scared to play them (yes, that’s a poorly paraphrased old Chris Rock joke, deal with it). Also, great call letting Tracy Morgan give the acceptance speeches from now on. “I’m the new face of post-racial America. Deal wit it Cate Blanchett!” A black man really can’t get no love at the Emmys.

9:43 – God, Pierce Brosnan looks old. That reminds me, I’m buddies with his son. Pierce might be croking soon, I should probably give him a call.

9:44 – They’re calling him Sean Combs now and apparently being referred to by his government name is severely inhibiting Diddy’s reading capacities. Although, I suppose you don’t really need to know how to read to count money and yell at people. Am I really the only one who wants him to scream “I’m shuttin down the studio!” or ask AR Ruhman — who just won for Slumdog Millionaire — to go fetch him some cheesecake.

9:53 – They just showed another commercial for Friday Night Lights on NBC. Minka Kelly is so absolutely fuckin gorgeous. Why doesn’t anybody realize how gorgeous Minka Kelly is? And why doesn’t anyone watch Friday Night Lights? The following commercial was for the late-night news. News in LA is amazing. They’re devoting the entire newscast to the award show, I just know it.

10:03 – Spielberg goes up to accept his Cecile B Demille award.

10:04 – Adding Tom Cruise and David Duchovny to list of dudes who look completely Manerexic tonight.

10:06 – Spielberg is still talking. The just showed Cameron Diaz and I think she’s literally about to fall out of her chair 1/3 from boredom, 1/3 from not eating in the past three days and 1/3 from being piss drunk off Moet.

10:08 – Spielberg finally shuts up. Yes, he just went on for five minutes. I know he’s Spielberg and all, but if I want to listen to some old guy drone on about the good old days when he was talented and good at his job, I’d listen to my grandfather’s stories about his days as a high school principal. At least my grandfather retired before he started shelling out useless, regurgitated crap and calling it work.

10:10 – They just showed a commercial for alli, the weight loss supplement, and it featured Carnie Wilson. Not slimmed down, post-gastric bypass Carnie Wilson, no, fat put all the weight back on after having her stomach stapled and now weighs 200 lbs again, Carnie Wilson. Why do they insist on using fat women to sell diet products to other fat women? If I were a fat woman, the last person I would want trying to sell me on weight loss products are rich women who are unable to lose weight. Am I missing something?

10:18 – Sandra Bullock looks good. Really good for 44. I can’t believe she’s 44.

10:21 – I’m not sure if Collin Ferrell is nervous or high. He just won a Golden Globe for some movie I’ve never even heard of. I suppose I can understand why he’s so blathering on like this, he hasn’t made a film that brought in more money than it spent since his career started, yet he somehow continues to get decent roles.

10:27 – Salma Hayek looks damn good. Unfortunately, I still can’t ever look at her without seeing the unibrow she wore for “Frida.” From the neck down, though…

10:29 – Props to Borat for having the balls to make the Madonna joke. “Madonna was forced to get rid of one of her personal assistants…Our thoughts go out to Guy Ritchie.” Maybe it was more a joke about Guy Ritchie. Either way, very funny. It’s great that Sacha Baron Cohen is the guy who can make tasteless, low-blow jokes about anyone in the room and everybody just loves and respects him that much more for it. It never seems like he’s out of place at these high society type events even though his humor is so blatantly directed at the lowest common denominator. He somehow finds a way to be tacky and classy all at once.

10:36 – It’s nice when a foreign film gets noticed and sheds a little spotlight on some talented foreign actors that no one has ever heard of. Slumdog Millionaire wins again.

10:40 – Kate Winslett wins best actress in a motion picture and hyperventilates. Kate seems like the kind of girl who is really great at first because she’s so enthusiastic and passionate about life, but then you start spending more and more time around her and you realize how annoying she is because she never shuts up. Looking at Leo, he seems like a guy who’s sitting next to that girl who he really admires because she’s such a genuinely nice person and so good at what she does, but can’t wait to get away from he because she never shuts her mouth.

I do like Kate Winslett, though. I’ve never met her, but she seems like one of the genuinely nice people in Hollywood.

10:51 – Mickey Rourke beats out Brad Pitt and Leonardo DiCaprio for best actor. Every ugly, drunk old man in Hollywood rejoices collectively. Props to Mickey for this role, though. It’s nice when someone who’s actually passionate about a project gets to do it, instead of some douchebag who just wants a vanity project or something to win an award.

10:55 – They just announced the sponsors for this years award show. With the way they marked down the advertising rates, I’m surprised this year’s Golden Globes aren’t sponsored by Tito’s Man Thongs or Jared for Prom King 2009.

10:59 – Slumdog Millionaire wins the award for best drama and all the rich white guys jump up and down for joy. Ain’t show business grand?