I Hit the Mute Button Anytime a New Beyonce Video Comes on…

Is this Sasha Fierce?

I am convinced that Beyonce’s alter ego Sasha Fierce is really Beyonce’s whiny, delusional, mildly retarded side. I’m judging her solely based on the two singles, “If I Were a Boy” and “Single Ladies,” but the picture has been made pretty clear. I just watched both videos and I just want to grab Beyonce by the shoulders and scream “YOU’RE MARRIED, YOU CRAZY BITCH!” Unless Sasha Fierce isn’t married.

Maybe Sasha Fierce is just too neurotic to be tied down by the likes of Jay Hova. Maybe Sasha Fierce is the crazy bitch Beyonce becomes when Jay-Z pisses her off. Maybe Sasha Fierce storms out of the house and has sex with the first five guys she meets after they have a fight. Maybe Sasha Fierce puts on gold-plated brass knuckles and beats Jay-Z until he tells her he loves her in a way that pleases Sasha Fierce. Maybe Beyonce is actually a schizo and Sasha Fierce is her split personality and this is how she’s letting the world know. Kinda like that United States of Tara show .

Beyonce, you’re not allowed to sing a song with the chorus, “If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it” when you have a ring that he already did put on it! Yes, we all know. Just because you don’t wear your wedding ring, doesn’t mean we all just forgot that the whole $2 million ceremony happened.

Also, you can’t slide your uncredited cover of Ciara’s “I Wish I Could Act Like a Boy” by us under a different name just because it’s whinier, less resolute and a piece of shit. Or maybe you can because I seem to be the only one who’s noticed. I think the video is supposed to be one of those things that we guys don’t get because, you know, we’re just boys, because really I don’t get the big deal.

In the video, Beyonce is apparently replicating the actions of her on-screen boyfriend and doing all the things that he does to show us guys how our behavior looks from the other side. The only problem is – and maybe this is just me – I didn’t really see anything wrong with what she was doing. (Oh, and she also completely ripped off the video idea from Ciara too. I’m really surprised her people haven’t sued). She goes to work with a male partner and, while there is overt flirtation, nothing actually happens, the two don’t even share a hot look. Then at the party she’s dancing with her partner who she leaves to go kiss her boyfriend, who rejects her. That would never happen.

If anything her boyfriend would grab her ass and shove his tongue down her throat to show everyone at the party who Beyonce was really there with. In case there were any questions. We men are territorial like that. There’s no way any man who’s dating Beyonce would ever – EVER – run off like that. If it were me, I’d have snatched her up off the dance floor like a pimp and slapped her in the face in front of everybody. (No, not really. I don’t condone domestic violence unless it’s Sasha Fierce beating an insolent Jay-Z with gold-plated brass knuckles). But aside from the obvious flaws in logic – that come with being a woman, because women are by nature completely illogical – there’s the lyrics. The lyrics don’t make any sense. Here they are (my comments and denoted by the asterisk and text in caps).

If I were a boy
Even just for a day
I’d roll out of bed in the morning
And throw on what I wanted and go *GIRLS DO THIS ALL THE TIME*
Drink beer with the guys *AND THIS*
And chase after girls
I’d kick it with who I wanted
And I’d never get confronted for it
Because they’d stick up for me *ACTUALLY, THAT’S TRUE, GIRLS DON’T STICK UP FOR EACH OTHER, BUT THAT’S BECAUSE GIRLS ARE STUPID*

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I’d be a better man *WHY?*
I’d listen to her
Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
Cause he’s taken you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed *WHY DOES HIM TAKING YOU FOR GRANTED DESTROY EVERYTHING?*

If I were a boy
I would turn off my phone
Tell everyone its broken
So they think
that I was sleeping alone *CAN GIRLS NOT TURN OFF THEIR PHONES? IS THERE SOME MAGICAL SETTING THAT SENSES THE VAGINA AND REQUIRES THE PHONE TO BE ON AT ALL TIMES?*
I’d put myself first
And make the rules as I go
Cause I know that she’d be faithful *GIRLS CHEAT ALL THE TIME*
Waiting for me to come home (to come home)

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl *WHY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO LOVE A GIRL?*
I swear I’d be a better man
I’d listen to her *NO YOU WOULDN’T, BECAUSE AS A MAN YOU WOULD HAVE RATIONAL, SENSIBLE THOUGHTS AND WHEN SHE WAS SPOUTING OFF HER STUPID INCOHERENT BULLSHIT ABOUT HOW NOTHING SHE OWNS LOOKS GOOD ON HER AND HOW SHE WISHES SHE WERE A BOY YOU’D GET REALLY ANNOYED*
Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted (wanted)
Cause he’s taken you for granted (granted)
And everything you had got destroyed

It’s a little too late for you to come back
Say its just a mistake
Think I forgive you like that
If you thought I would wait for you *WAIT FOR YOU TO DO WHAT? WHERE DID HE GO?*
You thought wrong

But you’re just a boy
You don’t understand (yea you don’t understand)
How it feels to love a girl *I THOUGHT IF YOU WERE A BOY YOU WOULD UNDERSTAND HOW IT FEELS TO LOVE A GIRL. YOU JUST SAID THAT! YOU JUST FUCKING SAID THAT! WHAT HAPPENED? WHAT JUST HAPPENED BETWEEN THE LAST LINE AND THIS LINE? DOES NO ONE KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO LOVE A GIRL? IS SASHA FIERCE THE ONLY ONE CAPABLE OF KNOWING HOW IT FEELS TO LOVE A GIRL? AND EVEN THEN, ONLY AS A BOY?*
Someday you’ll wish you were a better man
You don’t listen to her
You don’t care how it hurts
Until you lose the one you wanted
Cause you’ve taken her for granted
And everything you had got destroyed
But you’re just a boy… *SO, I THINK BEYONCE IS SAYING THAT IF SHE WERE A BOY SHE WOULD BE CAPABLE OF DOING ALL THESE THINGS THAT THE BOY THIS SONG IS ABOUT IS NOT BECAUSE SHE WAS A GIRL AND IS NOW A BOY. RIGHT? RIGHT? OK, HERE’S MY VERSION .